Parenting Dilemma I

 

Here's the story of the most powerful man in Hollywood. He was born in Minneapolis and spent all his childhood living in that 'mixed neighbourhood'. He went to the public school and wore second hand cloths, his father was the product of economic depression and talked plainly about money. The man recalls his father asking him to bear half the cost for everything he wants such as bicycle or a pair of running shoes, if he left the lights on, his father will show him the electricity bills and tell him that he's being lazy, not putting off the lights and that his dad is paying for his laziness. But if its for work then 24 hours of light isn't a problem. 

Beginning of every winter in he would go up and down the streets of his neighborhood trying to get the commitments from the people who wanted their driveways cleared of snows and during the fall he would switch it to raking leaves. He would get the jobs and contract each of them out to other children in the neighbourhood. He remembers inspecting each job to make sure they are done the way customers wanted and pay the money on cash immediately. This he says is the surest way to make those kids work hard, then he would later collect from the families. By the age of eleven he had six hundred dollars in the bank, all earned by himself (that was in the 1950s). At sixteen, he worked in his father's scrap metal business which was dirty and too physical, he says it's too hard, and he couldn't get the smells off him. Today he thinks his father has done it on purpose to motivate him to do something more.

In the College he ran a laundry service, picking up and delivering dry cleaning for his wealthy classmates, and organized student charter flights to Europe to earn. To save money he lived in a bad neighborhood in Brooklyn while he attended business and law school in New York, he went to see basketball match with his friends and sat in a terrible seat obstructed by pillar and wondered what it would be like to sit in the premium sit outside.

After graduation from business and Law school he got a job in Hollywood, which led to bigger job and even bigger job, and side deals and prizes and strings of extraordinary success that he now owns a house in Beverly Hills the size of aircraft hangar, private jet, Ferrari in garage and every luxury of life. He has made a great name for himself, one of his brother took over the scrap business and prospered and another brother became doctor and built a thriving medical practice. His father has produced three hard working, motivated and successful sons.

The successful man from Hollywood becomes parent. He had children he loved so dearly and wanted to provide for them more than he had, but he has created a complete contradiction, and he knew it. He was successful because he had learned the long and hard way about the value of money, meaning of work, and fulfilment that come from making your own way. He understood money because he was given thorough education in its value and function back in the streets of Minneapolis, he says nobody taught him that but came through blood and sweat. His own success has made it very difficult for his kids to learn those meaningful lessons the same way. Children in the Hollywood neighborhood do not rake the leaves in the neighborhood, watch basketball from behind the pillar or pay half of everything they wanted. He concedes that wealth ruin the lives as they lose ambitions, self-worth or pride. His kids go to the best schools, watch basketball from the court side and have everything that they never learn any valuable lesson. Now the man from Hollywood says he is not the parent he wanted to be because he is too rich and that is his problem.

What makes the powerful man from Hollywood not the parent he wants to be? He once said; “people are ruined by challenged economic lives as well as by wealth, it's difficult at both ends of spectrum.” He's right, Malcolm  Gladwell says. It's hard to be a good parent if you have too little. Poverty is hard and stressful. If you work two jobs to meet ends need, it's hard to have energy to spend evening time with kids or read at bed. If you are single parent, it sure will be hard to keep a home running and maintaining consistent love and attention. That much is obvious.

Now did anyone say money makes parenting easier? No, not the man from Hollywood. He was facing the issue as Psychologist James Grubman calls the “Immigrants to wealth”, and this in turn causes the 'Dilemma in Parenting'. Malcolm  Gladwell puts it as a 'Limit Setting' by parents and now the issue those immigrants to wealth face is the choice between 'no we can't vs no we won't'. No we can't as Gurdman says is much easier, he sometimes says the parents have to only say once or twice because your child will realize what can happen and what can't happen, that's exactly the man in Hollywood grew up with and learned in the streets of Minneapolis. Now when you switch to 'no we won't' the real issues' comes, if you say no we won't directly, psychologists say the kids will say come on you have everything and you are barring us. This won't create a healthy family. Or you will need consistent values to go by every day or a great articulation to say we won't in a consistent matter aligned with own values. The man from Hollywood submits that he can't do that and Psychologist Gurbman agrees to it saying it is difficult especially when you have a Ferrari in drive way, a private jet and house in Beverly Hills. 

In this case how would you teach hard work, be independent and meaning of money to the children who look around and realize they never have to work hard or be independent or know the meaning of money, as an adage in Spain goes “he who doesn't have does it, and he who has it misuses it.”

Consider the exceptions...

The whole story is an extract from Malcolm Gladwell's book David & Goliath Gifted by Dr. Adrain Chan.